Here I am

Yes yes here I am, a little vacant but here. At my desk again, blogging is really becoming a venting outlet for me. Mum passed away on boxing day and things just don't feel normal. I mean I know things aren't normal as such but i don't know which way is up, down, backwards, how i should be feeling, what i am feeling, whether i am doing the right thing blah blah blah and honestly its frustrating. I'm sick of feeling like i am going to fall apart all the time, of not being able to cope but then sick of being the stronger one. I don't want people to lean on me, i want to wallow and not pretend its all ok. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me, if i cry i need to please don't feel like you've done something wrong i just need to. I'm not superwoman and i miss my mum so so much, my whole chest hurts from trying to cry quietly so i don't wake the kids when all i want to go is rant and rave and wail and let go and tell life it isn't fair. I never realised how much i took mum for granted, calling her everyday, talking to her about the books we read, talking about life, family, work, or how much i need to hear her voice, her laugh, her to tell me how she loves me and how i need that now. I miss my mum. Type later....
Love you mum,

Bye for now...